Posts Tagged: "Advice"

Uncle Bruce talks McDegrees

Advice by Uncle Bruce - - Everything Else
The London Yodeller

 

Dear Uncle Bruce – I was stunned to read about the deal worked out between McDonald’s Corp and Ontario Colleges whereby junior managers with extensive training and experience at the fast food chain would be slotted directly into the second year of the “general business program” at Fanshawe or any other of Ontario’s 23 community colleges. Warren ‘Smokey’ Thomas, head of the Ontario Public Services Employees Union (OPSEU) representing college faculty, denounced this slimy agreement which he said would ‘cheapen’ degrees in the eyes of potential employers. He then went on to ask, “Do we really want our future business leaders taking Ethics 101 from the Hamburglar? The next generation deserves better than the McJobs and McDegrees this misguided scheme offers.” Can we count on your support in pushing back against private business muscling its way into the field of education? – Sincerely, Let Teachers, Not Corporations, Teach

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Dear Uncle Bruce

Uncle Bruce - - Everything Else
The London Yodeller

Uncle Bruce 10Dear Uncle Bruce

What’s the matter with Canadians anyway? Just a couple of months ago David Suzuki, Naomi Klein, Avi Lewis, Pamela Anderson, Tegan and Sara, Judy Rebick and hundreds of other leading thinkers and organizations like Idle No More, CUPE and the Canadian Union of Postal Workers, launched their Leap Manifesto. Timed to inform and impact our federal election campaigns, this far seeing manifesto challenged every one of us to do our bit to fundamentally transform the way we live along more egalitarian and compassionate lines. As they say in the document’s brilliantly prescient preamble:

“We could live in a country powered entirely by truly just renewable energy, woven together by accessible public transit, in which the jobs and opportunities of this transition are designed to systematically eliminate racial and gender inequality. Caring for one another and caring for the planet could be the economy’s fastest growing sectors. Many more people could have higher wage jobs with fewer work hours, leaving us ample time to enjoy our loved ones and flourish in our communities.”

It sounds like Heaven on Earth to me. And now here we are with less than two weeks to go until Election Day and nobody – but nobody – is talking about the Leap initiative at all and at their website a measly 26,000 Canadians have signed on as supporters. Last Saturday that brave and tireless David Suzuki sent out one more of his heartfelt Tweets to his many followers: “It’s time we talked about a future when we can live with less and be happier.”

Why aren’t we listening to this wise elder who knows so much about how the world works? What’s the matter with people? Don’t they care?  - Sincerely, Daring to Imagine a Better World Continue Reading

Dear Uncle Bruce

Uncle Bruce - - Everything Else
The London Yodeller

Uncle Bruce 10Dear Uncle Bruce –   I am a realtor whose participation in a certain extramarital hookup club has been exposed by a bunch of self-righteous bastards who hacked into the site and leaked details about millions of clients for all the world to see. I have apologized to my wife and – at her insistence – also sat down and talked with our three children and my four other children from two previous marriages. I have promised to reform my behavior and assured her that I now regard our marriage as a sacred trust (not sure what that means but it sounded good) but she says I’ve wounded her irreparably and she can’t believe anything that I say. What do you think? I really can’t afford another regular payout of alimony every month. Is there any way to save this marriage?   - Sincerely, Why Won’t She Give Me Another Chance? Continue Reading

Dear Uncle Bruce

Uncle Bruce - - Everything Else
The London Yodeller

Uncle Bruce 10Dear Uncle Bruce –   I was upset to read the news reports about the couple who were fined $400 and banned from taking care of pets for ten years after locking their dog in the bathroom and heading off on a two week vacation. No, we’ve never done that to a dog but we do it all the time with our lazy and asocial cat and it works out fine. The only downside is that when we get back, we’re confronted with this rather whiffy Mount Kilimanjaro in her litter box that has to be disposed of. In fact, we’re hoping to set up Fluffy in the loo next week as we nip down to Drumbo for a furriers’ convention. Will we be breaking the law?    - Sincerely, We’ve Got a Cat in the Can Continue Reading

Dear Uncle Bruce

Uncle Bruce - - Everything Else
The London Yodeller

Uncle Bruce 10Dear Uncle Bruce

I’m one of the City’s inside workers who has been out on strike now for almost six weeks. We’ve learned that the City is saving $1 million a week in unpaid wages and I’d be interested to know what they’re doing with that money and why they’re not trying harder to bring us back to work? Hell, 11 of the 15 members of the recently elected City Council were endorsed by the London and District Labour Council. Those politicians should all be leaning on City management to agree with our demands and get us working again. What’s wrong with these idiots? I’m a professional for God’s sake – as are all of my CUPE brothers and sisters. How can the City just hang us out to dry like this?   - Sincerely, Poor Beleaguered Worker Continue Reading

ADVICE FOR YOUNG MEN By Emily Post

Susan Cassan - - Everything Else
The London Yodeller

CASSAN Emily_Post_at_her_desk_sharp_hi-res

“Nowadays young men are the ones who are most at risk of ruined lives”

Dear young men of the Twenty-First Century,

After decades of effort promoting courtesy and mannerliness in society, and instructing young women on the need to maintain a spotless reputation, I went to what I believed to be my eternal reward in the year of our Lord, 1960.  Rumblings about a “new morality” and rumours about a “sexual revolution” convinced me that a hasty exit was prudent. At the age of 87, I no longer had the energy to stand against the forces preparing to sweep away all I had accomplished.

I took my place at the Eternal Tea Party, where the tea is always the perfect temperature in the porcelain cups and the company is always agreeable.  Although I am content to remain, I have been urged to perform a rescue mission. For all my worrying, young women are not suffering as I thought they would. It is the trials and tribulations of young men in the earthly sphere which convince me that they are in urgent need of help.

In my time as arbiter of manners, I spent much energy informing young women about desirable behaviour.  For good reason. The penalties which lay in store for young women who did not observe punctilious decorum were disastrous. Loss of reputation as a respectable young woman could result in her rejection as a marriage candidate. As women had few options to earn a living, remaining single could be a calamity. Worse could follow if a young woman were so unfortunate as to find herself in what we used to call, “an interesting condition.” If she was lucky, she might be hustled out of town to give birth in an obscure clinic and then be required to give up her child. Coming back after a long “vacation” rarely fooled anyone.

However, nowadays young men are the ones who are most at risk of ruined lives. Young women have many options; earning a living with or without marriage, deciding whether or not to enter into motherhood, and, even if an “accident” should occur, she alone gets to decide whether the offspring will be born, irrespective of the wishes of the father.

Young men, on the other hand, you are at great risk. If a young woman complains to a college that your behaviour is improper, you can be disgraced and expelled without the protections offered by the law. In fact, as some young men on a university hockey team recently found, you can be disgraced and refused permission to play even if you were not present at the incident in question. Thanks to this strange new phenomenon, the Internet, your name will be forever associated with the events, available to your potential employer at the touch of a button. Worse still, questions about your behaviour can be raised years later, wreaking havoc on your personal life and career.

Hence, my advice to you, young men. Have no fear: you will not be required to improve your grooming or appearance. Young ladies still exert themselves, employing all the artifice available in the form of cosmetics, jewels, and clothing whenever they attend a social occasion, while you, young men, need not even bother to remove unsightly stubble from your faces or select clothing more alluring than the discarded laundry in a gymnasium. Young women are quite ready to accompany you wearing high heels and very short skirts, even in a snowstorm.

My advice is limited to instructing you in behaviour that will protect you from social, financial and emotional ruin. In this free and easy society, you must guard your reputation as women once guarded theirs. Do not accept invitations to intimate behaviour from young women early in a relationship. Take your time. Observe her behaviour in a variety of situations.

Consumption of enough alcohol during an evening sufficient to impair her judgement during the evening and her memory the next day is not a good sign. The resulting foggy memory can change what you thought of as a delightful romp into a crime committed by you.

Find out the kind of person with whom you are dealing. Is she honest, reliable, kind? What is her relationship with her family? Is it one in which she has learned affection and consideration? How does she deal with disappointment? How does she react if you cannot keep a date because of school or work pressures or illness? Does she go off with others to the party or offer help and support? How does she treat children, pets, the elderly, or those less fortunate? Evidence of compassion in her behaviour to others will give you confidence that she will treat you, too, with care and concern.

Young men, do not indulge in alcohol to the point of inebriation. The lapses in judgement that come with that condition will make you unable to make the necessary observations. Social venues where the music is played at full blast will prevent you from being able to have enough conversation to come to any sensible conclusions. Seek out quieter venues and activities which allow you and the young lady to talk without injury to the larynx.

After spending time learning about the character of young women, you may discover one who will give you a lifetime of valuable companionship and loyalty. Someone who will support you in good times and bad. If so, there is an institution you might want to investigate called, “marriage”.

You fear that this cautious approach will reduce your popularity? On the contrary, people always want what they cannot have. You will become irresistible. Best of all, you will not have to wonder which of the young women you naively took to your bed could be the one who will damage your life beyond repair.

What was that? The Eternal Tea Party is not your idea of Heaven? The Eternal Happy Hour can be found two clouds over.

 

Dear Uncle Bruce

Uncle Bruce - - Everything Else
The London Yodeller

Uncle Bruce 10Dear Uncle Bruce -

My son came home with his grade five report card last week and it seems like he’s not been doing so well at school as he led us to believe. More disconcerting still, his teacher tells us that our boy has now been classified as being only “minimally exceptional”. This just won’t do. Should we hire a tutor to try to get those marks up? Or would you recommend a private school? – Sincerely, Dunce’s Papa

Dear Dunce’s Papa

Ah, so your ditzy little snowflake is coasting his way to scholastic mediocrity, perhaps even failure, and you want to turn that around before it’s too late. You don’t mention whether you’ve tried all the usual tricks of improving a halfwit’s grades such as writing his essays and book reports for him, lacing his morning orange juice with performance enhancing drugs and slipping the teacher an occasional hundred dollar bill at Parent/Teacher nights. Those were all ruses that worked wonderfully well for us in schooling our little brood of congenital morons but, of course, that was a while ago now and perhaps times and standards have changed. Which is to say, you may have to adjust for inflation and the cost of living and up the ante. Continue Reading

Dear Uncle Bruce

Uncle Bruce - - Everything Else
The London Yodeller

Dear Uncle Bruce -

My daughter’s 21st birthday is quickly coming up and I’m all out of ideas for what to get my little princess. I decided to ask her what she really wanted, Uncle Bruce 10indicating that the sky is the limit. She shocked me with the proclamation that she wanted breast implants. Uncle Bruce, is this an appropriate gift for a father to give his daughter? Is there a chance to back out now or am I honour bound to give in to her desire for bigger breasts? – Sincerely, What Have I Gotten Myself In For? Continue Reading

Dear Uncle Bruce

Uncle Bruce - - Everything Else
The London Yodeller

Uncle Bruce 10Dear Uncle Bruce –Where do you stand on the appropriateness or not of the new sex-ed curriculum being rushed into Ontario schools this fall by Kathleen Wynne’s Liberal government? Particularly worrisome to me is the idea of presuming to teach eight year olds about gender identity and gender fluidity; in effect, urging them to question if they are what they biologically appear to be. Are you cool with that? - Sincerely, Leery Parent Continue Reading

Dear Uncle Bruce

Uncle Bruce - - Everything Else
The London Yodeller

Uncle Bruce 10Dear Uncle Bruce

I’m a 50 year old guy who’s wandered back into the dating game and am frankly wondering why I’ve bothered. I have met this gal who’s about the same age and I guess we’ve been seeing each other for about three months now. It’s been kind of hard to tell because whole weeks can go by with nothing much going on and then – pow – she lets me know my presence is required for a great night out where she gets to choose the restaurant and the movie, I pick up all the checks and if everything goes right and I don’t inadvertently say anything that she finds infuriating, then maybe I’ll get lucky. Valentine’s Day was a perfect trifecta of humiliation – a craptastic sushi dinner, Fifty Shades of Grey at the jam-packed multiplex and a round of sex that I might as well have had with a paint mixing machine for all the connection I felt. It was the weirdest thing. There I was staring into her bathroom mirror at two o’clock in the morning, thinking, ‘Where’s your self-respect?’ What’s going on, Uncle Bruce? Am I turning into a woman?  Sincerely – Non-Surgical Transition Continue Reading

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