Posts Tagged: "Dear Uncle Bruce"

Dear Uncle Bruce

Uncle Bruce - - Everything Else
The London Yodeller

Uncle Bruce 10Dear Uncle Bruce –So there I was walking along Richmond Street last week in the mid-afternoon when I came upon the appalling sight of a man roughly handling a woman outside of a certain tavern. As I steeled myself to intervene and come to her defense and offer protection as I’ve always understood a man should do, the man briefly relented and the woman then attacked him full force, screeching and swearing as she smacked the glasses off his face and repeatedly tried to knee him in the groin. I came to see then that the man’s apparently violent actions were in fact all exertions on his part to restrain his female assailant and keep her at a safe distance. So I didn’t do anything and I have felt badly about it ever since. Tell me, mano a mano, what would you have done in such a situation?  – Sincerely, Not Quite Sir Galahad

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Dear Uncle Bruce

Uncle Bruce - - Everything Else
The London Yodeller

Dear Uncle Bruce

UNCLE BRUCE crying-faceI am like, totally and completely devastated. (See my sad emoji?) It appears increasingly unlikely that London will be moving into the civic big leagues by getting its own light rail component as part of our city’s transit system. They’ve been promising us this for years and now – poof – somebody changed their mind and decided the deal is unrealistic or impractical or something and we’re all supposed to go, like, ‘Yeh, that’s okay, I guess.’ Well, forget that. I might just leave London if those fossils at City Hall don’t get with the program and make this town more attractive to young people. I mean what gives? Kitchener-Waterloo’s getting their own light rail system so why can’t we have one too? It isn’t fair. Sincerely, Tech-Savvy Young Person London Doesn’t Want to Lose

Dear Tech Savvy Young Person Who I Wouldn’t Mind Losing At All

Have you ever seen how Kitchener-Waterloo is laid out? Except for Encore Records on King Street (one of the great independent music stores in the country) there isn’t much there worth visiting or saving. K-W is a sprawling link-up of two once-separate cities, the whole thing bifurcated by a big sunken freeway that effectively severs the community in two. London isn’t like that. Other than the truncated lameness of our Horton Street extension which destroyed one half of Beaconsfield Ave. in Old South so that certain motorists could move a little faster for about three blocks, we don’t really do inner-city freeways. The core of our city is much more densely built up and the impact of trying to run a train line through there would be horrendous. If one of the goals is to transport students up to Western more quickly, that’s kind of scuppered by the refusal to allow any sort of terminus on campus. And while I know we’re currently ruled by an airhead prime minister who believes it doesn’t matter how much debt you rack up because the economy will magically take care of itself, there’s no future in such thinking. At the very least this light rail nightmare comes with a price tag of $880 million. It is insane to even think this way. By all means, leave London and take this horrible idea with youUNCLE BRUCE smiley. Sincerely, Uncle Bruce Continue Reading

Dear Uncle Bruce

Uncle Bruce - - Everything Else
The London Yodeller

Uncle Bruce 10Dear Uncle Bruce – Have you heard the big news? They say they’re going to plaster a picture of at least one Canadian human being who just happens to have a uterus on the next issue of paper currency notes. Nellie McClung? Agnes Macphail? Pauline Johnson? Emily Carr? Flora MacDonald? Kim Campbell? Nancy Greene? Michelle Finney? Roberta Bondar? Avril Lavigne? Who gets your vote for this long overdue honour? And please specify, which denomination of bill? – Sincerely, Sisters Be Doing It For Themselves

Dear Sisters Be Doing It For Themselves – Gosh, what about Queen Elizabeth? She pretty well had the market cornered for the better part of 60 years on our bills and coins and I don’t recall any chaps getting their noses put out of joint over that. ‘But she’s not a Canadian citizen,’ I can hear you whine. No, she was only the Queen of Canada, the biggest bloody kahuna of them all. Tsk, tsk tsk, what a raw deal Canadian women have had, currency-wise. But to answer your question . . . if I could have any Canadian woman at all folded up in my pocket and available for discreet fondling while standing around waiting for the light to change, I think I’d have to go with famed eco-warrior and super-stacked babe, Pamela Anderson. And when we’re talking about someone so bulbously balanced with a perfect pair of flotation devices, I think a pretty compelling case can be made for chucking the polar bear and bringing back the two dollar bill. – Sincerely, Uncle Bruce

Dear Uncle Bruce – How can we get rid of Shango the bongo basher and Steve and Matthew the Pharisees? – Sincerely, Tired of Being Harassed at Dundas and Richmond

Dear Tired of Being Harassed at Dundas and Richmond – I assume you’re talking about that fellow who’s been playing the congas outside of Starbucks for at least the last five years and not notably improving and, kitty corner, those two fellows outside the smoke shop preaching the gospel through some kind of amplifier and not notably winning any converts. Sorry to disappoint but while I sometimes wish that both these acts were a little quieter, I don’t want to get rid of either. Considering how discouraging it must be to face the indifference and hostility that I see them evoke every day, I give all three fellows full points for tenacity and courage. – Sincerely, Uncle Bruce Continue Reading

Dear Uncle Bruce

Uncle Bruce - - Everything Else
The London Yodeller

Uncle Bruce 10Dear Uncle Bruce

What do you make of this fellow in town who dresses like a pirate and has been getting loads of media play by hanging out his shingle as a snuggle therapist? I’m not going out with a man right now and am not ashamed to admit that I occasionally long for somebody to cuddle with but I wouldn’t necessarily want it to end there (though with this grebe I might) and I think I’d find it more than a little desolating to feel that I had to pay for such a service. Am I just being old fashioned? – Sincerely, Not Getting With the Program

Dear Not Getting With the Program –

Ah bless you, darling, you’re a woman after my own heart and any time you want a little slap and tickle ‘on the house’, you just come and see Uncle Bruce. I was reading about our therapeutic pirate in a particularly distressing issue of The Londoner and I see he charges $20 for something called a ‘pre-snuggle consult’ that is only refunded if both parties agree to proceed to the next level of platonic, affectionate and consensual touching in a safe and comfortable environment. Wouldn’t that do wonders for your emotional and spiritual well-being if he stiffed you for 20 bucks and wouldn’t even give you one of his famously rehabilitative hugs?

So the Londoner’s story on that hearty rapscallion Captain McSnuggles was followed by an even more depressing two page spread promoting 1) The London Colouring Club - a group of hundreds of ostensible adults so ground down by life that all they want to do is play with crayons - and 2) some enterprising psychotherapist charging folks who’ve just been dumped or sacked $47 a head to attend her Resiliency After Rejection workshop. I tell you, sometimes as I behold the world today, I have to wonder, “Where did all the grownups go?” – Sincerely, Uncle Bruce

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Dear Uncle Bruce

Uncle Bruce - - Everything Else
The London Yodeller

Uncle Bruce 10Dear Uncle Bruce Just a few days ahead of Valentine’s Day, the Western University community broke a three year-old world record for screening the most people for sexually transmitted infections ever in a single day. The new record, which saw 813 people get tested was set on February 10th at Western’s University Community Centre, topping the previous mark of 767 set on Valentine’s Day, 2013 in Bassingstoke, England. The screening conducted by Middlesex-London Health Unit staff in collaboration with Western University Student Council, took 12 hours and wrapped up just after 9:00 p.m. It was the second time the MLHU had partnered with Western at attempting a new record, falling just short in 2014. While the feat will not be recognized officially by Guinness World Records, the achievement sets a new benchmark and helps raise awareness about STI screening and testing. Although the idea of getting tested can make some people feel embarrassed or that they may be judged, this event removed those concerns, highlighting how easy screening actually is. - Sincerely, Dan Flaherty, Communications Manager, Middlesex-London Health Unit

Dear Dan Thank you so much for your press release regarding this milestone in the rubber-gloved Health Unit’s community outreach. I can think of few initiatives so perfectly in tune with the romantic ambience of Valentine’s Day as getting hundreds of idealistic young people to hand over cups of warm pee to medical technicians in lab coats so that they can win certification as being fit for sexual consumption. I suppose you give those who’ve been designated as ‘safe’ little certificates which they can show to potential partners? I wonder if asking to see certification is a little awkward when would-be lovers are first feeling each other up . . . er . . . out? The London-Middlesex Unit is the same group that dishes out health inspection reports to restaurants, right? And then the restaurants have to post the green ‘Pass’, yellow ‘Conditional’ or red ‘Closed’ signs right next to their front doors? Perhaps for the sake of helping Cupid gracefully navigate that self-conscious ‘getting-to-know-you-phase’, your Unit could hand out little colour-coded signs that the students could wear around their necks: green for ‘All Clear’, yellow for ‘Condoms and HazMat Suits Required’ and red (leper’s bell optional) for ‘Unclean’.Sincerely, Uncle Bruce Continue Reading

Dear Uncle Bruce

Uncle Bruce - - Everything Else
The London Yodeller

Uncle Bruce 10Dear Uncle Bruce

It just goes to show you how entrenched those old racist attitudes are in Hollywood. In the very same week that prominent black actors and directors announce that they’ll be boycotting the Academy Awards ceremony because of the dearth of artists of colour in this year’s lists of nominees, the producers of a Michael Jackson bio-pic announce that they’ve cast Joseph Fiennes to play the Prince of Pop. Yes, the same Joseph Fiennes most famous for playing William ‘Lilywhite’ Shakespeare in Shakespeare in Love. How insensitive can they get? Can I count on you to help us push back against this monstrous bigotry by signing the enclosed petition demanding more equitable racial representation in the movies? – Sincerely, Get Those Crackers Out of the Academy

Dear Get Those Crackers Out of the Academy –

Well, first of all, it isn’t a full bio-pic; it’s about one episode when Jack-o fled New York in the wake of 9/11 by which time the confused little lad had bleached his skin even whiter than William Shakespeare’s. Clearly the role should have gone to an albino actor. (Now there’s an under-represented minority on the nominations list.) So forget skin tone; Fiennes will do just . . . er . . . fine. It’s Jackson’s pitiful self-mutilated sniffer that’s going to be impossible to replicate using any actor of any colour whatsoever. Do you remember that embarrassing period after his 84th round of plastic surgery when his nose used to shift around on his face and sometimes fall off altogether? I expect it’ll be up to the wizards in the CGI department to come up with some suitably grotesque approximation of that. Continue Reading

Dear Uncle Bruce

Uncle Bruce - - Everything Else
The London Yodeller

Uncle Bruce 10Dear Uncle Bruce

At the public pool where I slosh around a few times a week in pursuit of a less matronly midriff, there is an intake or inlet thingy built into the wall of the pool, at groin height unfortunately, that emits a bubbly stream of filtered water. I would describe it to you a little better if I could ever get a really good look at it but, not so coincidentally, that just happens to be the spot where certain male swimmers unfailingly park themselves after a few perfunctory laps, draping their torsos over the rim of the pool like exhausted marathoners who’ve just swum the channel, their eyes half closed and their lips gently compressed in smiles of ineffable serenity. It’s so obvious, Uncle Bruce, but they don’t even have the wits to be furtive about it. Do they really think nobody knows what they’re doing?Sincerely, Some of Us are Trying to Swim Here

Dear Some of Us are Trying to Swim Here -

In this instance, I’m afraid that thinking of any kind is not what’s going on. You have to feel sorry for certain low-functioning chaps in their teens and 20s who are just trying to make their way through their day when they are suddenly assailed by sexual arousal in what would seem to any sane person to be utterly innocuous situations. Pool intake vents are notorious hazards for the easily stimulated as are chance sightings of lingerie in department store flyers or sitting on the back seat of certain models of bus where the rumbling of the engine sets off a vibration in the region of their fundaments that effortlessly transports them to plains of delight. If you want to put a stop to this, I suppose you have a few options; none of them very pleasant. One is to squeal to the managers of the pool. Another is to humiliate the poor moron – either by calling him out or by refusing to give him a wide berth as he pleasures himself by the water jets. Or, now that I think of it, see where he drops his towel and toss The Yodeller down next to it with this question circled in red.Sincerely, Uncle Bruce Continue Reading

Dear Uncle Bruce

Uncle Bruce - - Everything Else
The London Yodeller

Uncle Bruce 10Dear Uncle Bruce Wasn’t it just a little irresponsible a few issues back to confess your unworthy habit of taking all the junk mail that’s deposited in your community mailbox and stuffing it unread into the attached outgoing mailbox? Don’t you realize that the only reason Canada Post has had to implement community mailboxes into a few, select London neighbourhoods is because postal workers are run off their feet with the volume of material they have to process? You’re hardly helping matters by, in effect, making those overburdened workers sort through the same material twice. You ought to be ashamed of yourself. – Sincerely, Someone Who Doesn’t Work for Canada Post and Isn’t Related to Anyone Who Does Either

Dear Someone Who Doesn’t Work for Canada Post and Isn’t Related to Anyone Who Does Either Here’s the deal as I see it. You bring a wad of useless commercial bumf to my front door every day along with one or two letters or notices or packages that I actually want to receive, then okay, I’ll walk that bumf through to the back porch and drop it into the blue box, recognizing that this is how you generate the funds to support that handy service. But if you take away that handy service and make it so that I have to walk to your eyesore of a community drop box to get what little mail I actually want, then I’ll be jiggered if I’m going to keep up my end of the deal when you’ve defected on yours. Continue Reading

Dear Uncle Bruce

Uncle Bruce - - Everything Else
The London Yodeller

Uncle Bruce 10Dear Uncle Bruce –

I am livid about the intramural hockey team of Western University law students who were given a slap on the wrist for wearing smutty jerseys bearing the name of a mythical beverage company called ‘Dixon Cider’. After wearing the jerseys for two full years without admonishment (perhaps no one thought to read the name out loud) a complaint was lodged and the team of male and female lawyers-in-training was ordered to destroy their wildly inappropriate garments and attend some gender sensitivity training. And that’s it? Surely the retribution can’t end there. As Megan Walker, executive director of the London Abused Women’s Centre so eloquently said, “I am incredibly disheartened that future lawyers, prosecutors and judges have that mentality . . . And I would certainly hate to be a victim in front of one of those law students who becomes a judge one day if I was a woman.” (If she was a woman? Is Megan transitioning? Why hasn’t there been a news story about this? Folks in the transitioning community would find that incredibly empowering.) Surely we’re letting these wicked law students off way too lightly. What further remedial actions would you recommend, Uncle Bruce?  - Sincerely, Ms. Olivia Grundy Continue Reading

Dear Uncle Bruce

Uncle Bruce - - Everything Else
The London Yodeller

Uncle Bruce 10Dear Uncle Bruce – Man oh man, but our new Prime Minister knows how to throw the money around. In just the last week he handed over 100 million bucks to the United Nations High Commissioner for Refugees to help 25,000 Syrians (mostly women, children and self-identifying members of Syria’s wonderfully diverse LGBT community) to come over to Canada and Hoover up our social assistance budgets. Apparently, we don’t have any problems of our own with homelessness or joblessness or hunger. And then – obviously just getting warmed up – he jets off to Paris (at what horrific cost, carbon footprint-wise?) and drops a cool $2.65 billion to help developing countries fight the imaginary scourge of climate change. This massive dispersal of our money comes at a time when Alberta, the last economically dynamic province in the country, is being gutted by the NDP wastrels they were stupid enough to vote in, and when basket-case Ontario is selling off publicly owned utilities to recoup a fraction of the debt that’s been rung up over 12 years of unhinged Liberal malfeasance. The people who voted these kleptomaniacs in seem to be delirious about our PM’s selfless generosity. And I suppose it is “selfless” in the sense that it personally costs him nothing. I begin to wonder if a majority of people in this country (or at least the 39% of the electorate who voted this doofus in) don’t harbour some sort of death wish. Where do they think the money’s going to come from? Do they believe debts don’t someday have to be repaid? – Sincerely, One Very Nervous Canadian Continue Reading

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