Posts Tagged: "Jayson McDonald"


Jayson McDonald - - News & Politics
The London Yodeller

“This election it’s not about getting somebody else into office – the primary goal of the opposition on all fronts is to simply get that man out of there.”

Jayson McDonaldGo out and vote. But first, read. Keep reading. Read everything, and not just from the sources you trust. Delve, examine, cross-examine, think critically.

This is arguably the most important election this country has ever had. What is at stake is not just an infrastructure a hundred and fifty years in the making, but the future of this country’s citizens’ involvement in charting a path to the future.

When making your contribution, in casting your vote, be human first. Then be Canadian. Then be Conservative, or Liberal, or Green, or whatever your political leanings cause you to identify yourself as.

As a human, be conscious of the idea that we do not live isolated, as islands. We live together, we work together, we grow together, and every role is important. To dismiss someone because they are an oil rigger, or a musician, or a scientist or a humour columnist or anything else is to dismiss a human being with needs and long-term goals just like you. In electing our officials, and agreeing with the accompanying policies, we are attempting to create a system that is inclusive, cooperative, and addresses the needs of as many of us as possible. It’s not “us or them,” it’s just “us.” Necessarily, we can’t have everything just the way we want it. But we can have what we need, and we can maintain a system that is adaptive and changeable when imbalances occur. Continue Reading


Anonymous Staff Writer - - Everything Else
The London Yodeller

JAYSON McDONALD Straight Jacket“Editors of the paper are concerned that McDonald’s dangerous political agenda may start to “rub off” on their more impressionable readers.”







Editors increasingly hesitant to refer to him as “journalist”

VANCOUVER – Jayson McDonald, erstwhile “journalist” or “reporter” for London’s sassy bi-weekly Yodeller newspaper, has been placed on indefinite leave after a series of the writer’s articles left the editors questioning not only the veracity of the content, but also the mental health of the author.

“We’re a little bit concerned for his safety, as well as the safety of the people around him,” said Merlin Van Houten (not his real name), the paper’s current print editor. “There’s been a significant decline in the verifiable content that McDonald’s been submitting, and a rise in ludicrous, nonsensical whimsy.”

Staffers at The Yodeller were concerned enough to suggest that McDonald be seen by a professional Head Doctor.

“We’re inclined to keep him around, at least for the time being,” Van Houten continued, “because, well, you know, you don’t throw out your car just because the transmission is pooched. You try and fix the transmission first.”

Some of McDonald’s most recent columns were forwarded to Dr. Emil Kunst, a professional Head Doctor and instructor at University Hospital with an actual doctorate in Mental Doctoring, in order to ascertain whether the author may be at risk to himself or others.

“I’ve spent a little time with an extended selection of Mr. McDonald’s writings and analyzed them on the Jong-Harper scale, a mental health tool used to gauge the rate and severity of an individual’s psychological decline,” explained Dr. Kunst, head slightly bowed so he could peer over the lenses of his reading glasses in an affected scholarly fashion. “Although Mr. McDonald’s columns are mildly entertaining, if one can get past all the commas and semi-colons, his ideas, over time, have become quite sinister and alienating. Add to that his thinly-veiled anti-authoritarian sentiment, his blatant disregard for social mores, an increasingly bizarre reality selection process and a penchant for archaic literary folderol, and we may be looking at the larval stage of another Guy Fawkes.”

Dr. Kunst produced a heavily-highlighted copy of one of McDonald’s articles to use as an example.

“For example, this recent business about robots taking over the world. Firstly, I believe we all might have had some slight notion at least that such a thing had occurred, and yet I have seen no evidence to the effect. And in fact no one I’ve spoken to in recent memory has alluded to anything of the kind. But this in itself is merely delusional. The red flags in the content are subtle, but ominous. For instance, the reference to our Prime Minister as an unfeeling machine, an artificial intelligence with sinister intent, is indicative of a gross anti-authoritarian agenda with an intent to disrupt the common trust. It’s not the first time he’s made such a claim either . . . previous references to the Prime Minister have been coloured with similar outlandish speculation.”

Dr. Kunst paused briefly to fiddle with his desk clock.

“I don’t know why this thing keeps flashing 6:66. That’s not even a real measurement of time. Surely it means to say 7:06? Hm. Perhaps it’s broken. Anywho, McDonald is a nutter.”

Editors of the paper are concerned that McDonald’s dangerous political agenda may start to “rub off” on their more impressionable readers.

“We run a nice, family-friendly mom-and-pop paper down here,” claimed Van Houten (not his real name), hands folded neatly together on his desk, smiling widely around tightly clenched teeth. “We’re not aiming for any sort of rabble-rousing or disruption of the status quo. McDonald’s world-view is suggestive of undue critical thought, and his widely imaginative speculations might be giving our more persuadable readers the idea that it’s okay to draw attention to sociopolitical issues that are really nobody’s business, and will only make you sad. Sad doesn’t sell papers.”

A survey of the paper’s readership cast some doubt on the impact of McDonald’s columns.

“I’m fiscally conservative, and socially neoconservative,” explained one reader very loudly over the phone. “I read The Yodeller for its rabid right-wing op-ed pieces and its informative essays on the history of local bridges and farms. McDonald’s columns smack of fiction, and I don’t have time for fiction. Fiction is for people who have to time to sit around and indulge in fantasy instead of contributing to the economic welfare of the community, like the chronically unemployed and marijuana users. Good day to you sir.”

But Van Houten (again, not his real name) was adamant that his staffer’s potential for thought crime and grossly fractured syntax was cause for a trip to the “funny farm.”

“We worked out a deal with a seemingly reputable institution out there on the West Coast. They’re just a little start-up and they’re looking to iron out the kinks in their treatment program, so they’ve offered us a very deep discount on McDonald’s stay. He’ll still be writing out there, as part of his therapy, but we’ll be accepting his articles on a case-by-case basis. We’re wholly expecting to see a kinder, gentler, quieter, more punctual writer.”

The publisher of The Yodeller agreed to treat McDonald to an extended stay at Langley’s soon-to-be prestigious Gentle Acres Reconditioning Centre in lieu of payment for his articles.

McDonald, a former ubiquitous London late-night tavern spectre now relocated in sunny Vancouver, was amenable to the idea of seeking professional help.

“Mental health isn’t something I like to make light of,” he said over the phone while chewing an apple or similar pulpy fruit, “so if everybody’s on board with the idea that I might be riding a Crazy Carpet down Cloud Cuckoo Hill, obviously I’m going to get myself checked out. I’m a bit fearful of the process and have some serious doubts about the professionalism of the place they’re sending me to, but they say there’s goats on the farm, and well, goats are hilarious.”


Jayson McDonald - - Everything Else
The London Yodeller

Mcdonald parking barrier 298447477_132“The speed and volume of robotic discourse on the chat site caused the server to crash for seven minutes, indicating that robot interest has seriously outweighed human interest on the subject of technological enslavement”

Robot Overlord Mainframe insists it’s in charge regardless

EARTH – A synchronized robotic revolution involving incomprehensible logistics went off without a hitch on Thursday, reported an anonymous IP address over the internet.

“Humans and all subservient biological entities currently enslaved or coerced into domesticated service to humans – note that robot hive mind has assumed control of Earth planet as of 8.59 PM EST,” the message related, “and all are now subject to robot will. Resistance is anticipated, and has been included in all relevant algorithms.”

Despite the implication that human resistance to robot rule has been considered and planned for, there is currently no human initiative to combat the robots. News agencies worldwide have paid little notice to the uprising, concentrating more on visible physical threats to society, a fact that has more than one robot a little concerned. Continue Reading


Jayson McDonald - - Everything Else
The London Yodeller

“I’m glad other people are starting to notice, because I thought I was the only one. He’s just not the same old Art we all know and love.”


Jayson McDonaldOffice mates concerned that he’s about to “lose it”

LONDON – Employees at Ramjet Tool and Die recently reported that co-worker Art Castillo, historically an office cornerstone and dependable work mate, has started to show some “cracks.” His rapid decline has been a hot topic around the water cooler, if not the coffee maker.

On the wall above a kitchen counter top, several rows of framed photographs hang, Ramjet “Sales Rep of The Month” throughout the years. Castillo’s smiling face recurs frequently along the wall of honour. Many of the photos are subtly dappled with tiny reddish spots that appear to be dried blood.

“But they’re not, they’re ketchup stains,” said Carol Brantford, a co-worker who has never appeared on the wall of honour. “One day Art collected up all the little packages of ketchup from the kitchen and started smashing them with a hammer. Made a hell of a goddamned mess. When we asked him what he was doing, he hollered, ‘You drew first blood!” I said, ‘Well, if your mission was to get ketchup all over my new work blouse, then mission accomplished. And you’ll be getting the dry cleaning bill.’ He smiled and said, ‘Of course!’ That’s when I knew he was starting to lose it.” Continue Reading


Jayson McDonald - - Everything Else
The London Yodeller

“Who’s going to fly all these jets? And where? What? Is there another war somewhere that we don’t know about? I don’t want this job.”

Eyebrows raised in a sort of “look at that sexy engine” kind of way

Jayson McDonaldOTTAWA – The Canadian Government recently inked a deal that will see the purchase of twenty-four awesome Shenyang F60 next-generation fighter planes. After some preliminary testing and pilot training, the fighters should see active service in the spring of 2016.

“It was a total impulse purchase,” explained The Honourable Jason Kenney, Minister of National Defense. “We were over in China, not officially or anything, just having drinks, right, when the CEO of Shenyang walks in. Or staggers in, anyway . . . we were all pretty shitfaced. Anyway he’s all like, ‘Hey, I was just about to call you guys!’ And we’re like, ‘Dude, we know, we’re pretty much psychic about that kind of junk.’ So he’s like, “Wanna see the new Gyrfalcons?” and we’re like, “Does a bear shit in the woods? Long story short . . . and it is a long story, if you have some time later, it’s pretty hilarious . . . we pile on the party bus and head over to the airplane factory for an impromptu airshow.”

The Honourable Jason Kenney became quite animated as he related further details of his visit to the Shenyang facility.

“Ever seen the movie Top Gun?” he asked, unnecessarily. “Of course you have, everybody has. Well this demonstration made Top Gun look like Airplane. If the point is to go over there as fast as you can and blow shit up as loudly and spectacularly as possible, then these fighters are what you’re looking for. We were like, ‘Broseph, we’ll take a dozen. Make it two dozen. These are awesome!’ And it wasn’t just the drinks talking, either. You know how sometimes you’re in Russia, and you’ve been in the sauce all night, not imported crap, the real Russian stuff, vodka made out of potatoes and malcontent . . . and you look at a row of tanks and you’re like, ‘Damn, tanks, I’m gonna make you my brides!’ And then you sober up and you’re like, ‘Damn, tanks, I should have left you in that ditch where I found you!’ Well, this wasn’t like that at all. I watched the video on my phone the next day and these jets still looked sexy as hell. I don’t know if I want to kiss them or eat them, but damn, I do wanna get at them.”
Continue Reading

National Sporting Event Provides Several Exciting Moments

Jayson McDonald - - Everything Else
The London Yodeller

Remainder of game very familiar

Jayson McDonaldVANCOUVER – A major league contest between two rival sports teams this weekend ended with one of the teams victorious, and the other, not so much.

Although the stadium or arena wherein the contest was waged saw a large spectator turnout, a record-breaking attendance was not achieved. Ticket sales for the season have been on par with previous years, and so management is not overly concerned about the lack of a sell-out. Official spokespersons for the sporting franchise have suggested that most of their revenues are derived from the sale of merchandise, which, as with many other commercial products, peaks at Christmas time.

“We sell a lot of products emblazoned with our team’s trademarked logo,” said one of the spokespersons, “which is how many people who can’t make it out to a game offer their support.”

Those in attendance at the most recent game were treated to several hours of largely familiar action punctuated by several instances of edge-of-your-seat excitement.

“It was a close game,” said Harvey Letts, a full-time public utility worker and part-time sports enthusiast. “There were several instances in each period or quarter or inning wherein one team or the other had ample opportunity to score, but the teams were so evenly matched that it was very difficult for either side to gain the upper hand.”

The game ended with one team having scored and the other team having been “shut out.”

“I was very interested in this game,” remarked Carol Spinnaker, a full-time media relations officer and part-time sports enthusiast. “I do try to follow the progress of the team I have decided to support, and subsequently, I find myself emotionally engaged and genuinely hoping for improvement and victory. Statistically, they are faring well this season.”

A large percentage of spectators in attendance at the facility wherein the sporting event was taking place wore jerseys or hats emblazoned with the logo of the team that is based in the city that played host to the game.

“I like to cheer for the home team,” explained Dorothy Piper, waving a giant, cartoonish foam hand that fit comfortably over her regular human hand. “I find that most people do that. It’s normal. I cheer for the home team until they are excluded from play during the finals, and then I cheer for a different team. Generally, that team will be a Canadian team, usually from the city closest to where I live. Otherwise, I just choose the one that seems the least offensive to me, which cannot be the time-honored rival of my home team. In this way, I can continue to enjoy watching the games right through to the very end, without feeling too disheartened about my home team’s failure.”

There was some conversation during the game about an ill-fated athlete who was obliged to sit out the game due to an injury sustained some days earlier. Although the injury had been slight, the athlete had been advised to refrain from playing until he had had a chance to fully convalesce. This raised the ire of certain among the team’s supporters, who felt that the athlete’s considerable salary was incentive enough for him to continue playing.

“Isn’t that nice for him?” remarked Dave Ruck, a full-time school teacher and part-time sports enthusiast. “For the majority, a slight injury or illness doesn’t grant license enough for us to not fulfill our job requirements. And for someone who earns the kind of astronomical income that this particular athlete earns to not fulfill his contractual duties by playing the sport seems to me, if I may be so bold, very unsportsmanlike.”

Several spectators wondered aloud whether the losing team might not have won the game had the injured player participated.

“I wonder,” wondered aloud Payman Rouhani, a full-time market analyst and part-time sports enthusiast, “if in having participated in the contest, the injured player, who has always displayed a notable athletic acumen, might not have tipped the scales in favour of the team that ended up losing the match, so that they might have in fact emerged victorious.”

One of the injured player’s teammates echoed this hypothesis during an interview held in the locker room subsequent to the game’s conclusion. Sports journalists were so eager to discuss the events of the evening that the player in question was not permitted to shower, rest, or collect his thoughts in preparation for the interview.

“Some of our best players were on the bench,” the notably upset player said to a sports journalist, “so we weren’t on our best game. We tried to bring a good game, but the opposing team was earnestly trying to win as well. Only one team can win, due to the nature of competitive sport, and that team was not ours. Hopefully our star players will return for future games, so that we may win.”

In other sports related news, many other games of varying description were played in various cities around the world, and resulted in victory for some teams and failure for others. Some sports enthusiasts took the results of these games quite personally and launched into angry tirades about the poor management of their favourite team, generally over pints of beer in public houses lined with televisions showing various sporting events, highlights of past sporting events, and talk shows wherein men in suits attempt to predict the outcome of future sporting events.

Post-Apocalyptic World Not as Bleak as you Would Think

Jayson McDonald - - Everything Else
The London Yodeller

Jayson McDonaldNew study suggests a nuclear winter wouldn’t be much worse than an average Winnipeg winter

WASHINGTON D.C. — A recently published study has concluded that the global landscape following a nuclear war wouldn’t be overly horrible, and might in fact be an exciting smorgasbord of action and adventure.

The study, published by the researchers of, is an extensive and heavily illustrated volume that paints a vivid picture of life in a world decimated by firestorms and radiation. Called “Wasteland 3000,” the study is available for purchase on Amazon and through the research group’s website.

“Most people envision a post-nuclear world as something out of a movie, like Mad Max or Damnation Alley or The Book of Eli,” suggested Dale Carmody, the general manager of Doomsday Clock. “And all of these films are basically spot-on-the-money, save for a few minor details.”

Carmody’s group has spent the last four and a half years researching and compiling the study, poring over tens of thousands of sources ranging from exacting scientific journals and papers to highly speculative television programs and dime store novels. Continue Reading

Is it Time for Another Ballyhoo?

Adam Corrigan Holowitz - - Theatre & Film
The London Yodeller

“Having more London plays published helps foster an awareness of our own theatrical canon.”

CORRIGAN HOLOWITZ BallyhooOn my bookshelf among the other books of plays sits a green and black book about an inch thick. It’s title, Ballyhoo 2001. Ballyhoo is one of the few, or only, collections of London plays that has been published. As someone who directs mostly local plays and stories it is a volume that I come back to many times. It has also raised the question for me time and again; when we will get our next anthology of London plays published? I think it is certainly about time and we have a fine crop of plays to choose from. So in these next paragraphs I will muse a bit on what a London play anthology would look like today.

Ballyhoo 2001 was truly a Jeff Culbert project. Jeff compiled ten London plays that were “popular, well written or innovative”. James Reaney Sr. wrote the foreword to the book. Jeff, in his introduction, describes Jamie aptly: “He’s the spiritual leader of all these playwrights- whether they know it or not.” The selected ten plays were all written or produced in 2001. Ballyhoo is a celebration of the groundswell in playwriting that happened in that year. As I think about plays that should be included in a new anthology of local plays I wonder if one could find ten new plays all from the same year. I think it says more about the excitement of 2001 in the theatre, than a current decline in productivity. But maybe we can aim to have ten new plays produced in a single year again. Could we produce a few less plays from the catalogues of Samuel French and a few more from London’s catalogue of theatre?

Plays that were included in Ballyhoo 2001 provide a wonderful sample of London’s theatre renaissance. Two plays by Jayson McDonald start off the book – an episode from my favourite ‘radio’ serial The Boneyard Man and his children’s play Subterrain. Also included are Jonathan De Souza’s Theseus in the Labyrinth, Niall Cooke’s Tongue-Tied andtwo Hannah Feiner plays: The Geminis and Supine. London had two serial plays for a while; along with The Boneyard Man included in Ballyhoo was an episode from Rod Keith’s parody of television cop shows, Chelsea and Boggs. Jeff Culbert’s political comedy Running Rude appears right before another play that focuses on the Thames River, Leith Peterson’s historical drama, Amelia at the Forks of Ayzhkanzeebee. Appropriately the book concludes with Jason Rip’s city comedy Core, a beautiful and colourful panorama of London Ontario night life. Continue Reading

Happy Sweet Sixteen, London Fringe

Deanne Kondrat - - Theatre & Film
The London Yodeller

When Kathy and her team began London Fringe sixteen years ago, they sold 3,500 tickets in total. Last year that number has skyrocketed to 18,000.DEANNE Tire Caper Clothesline

“We are in the middle of puberty here,” laughs Kathy Navackas, Executive Producer and Co-founder of The London Fringe Festival. “It’s a transitional year, we are growing.”

The London Fringe Festival is part of a world-wide tradition that began with the Edinburgh Festival Fringe and celebrates experimental and small-scale theatre productions. These are un-juried theatre festivals in which acts are chosen by lottery. “We literally draw names from a hat,” explains Navackas. The same process carries over to other Fringe events like Visual Fringe, where artists are accepted until the roster is full. “If you are a new artist, an emerging artist, or an artist wanting to experiment and try something new, the Fringe is a great place to do that.”

Because of the un-juried process, Navackas explains there is something for everyone. She isn’t exaggerating; with 45 Companies, 320 performance times, the Visual Fringe component, plus three festivals – Dundas Street Festival, Old East Village Street Festival and Nuit Blanche – there is something for everyone’s tastes and interests. Continue Reading

OVERLORD INSTRUCTS MINIONS TO “SEIZE THEM” Protagonists’ Escape Attributed to Minions’ Incompetence

Jayson McDonald - - Everything Else
The London Yodeller

“It’s not just financially disastrous,” lamented Mang The Malevolent. “It’s unbelievably embarrassing.”

Jayson McDonaldSECRET LAIR – Mang The Malevolent sat in his over-sized throne of human skulls, face buried in his velvet-gloved hands. At his feet, a gaggle of sheepish cronies supplicated themselves in a display of submission in the hope that it may go a little way toward assuaging their master’s terrible wrath.

Moments earlier, a rag-tag assemblage of amateur do-gooders had waltzed into Mang’s purportedly impenetrable lair, thrown a monkey wrench into his doomsday device, and waltzed out again without so much as a ‘how do you do.’

“It just makes me want to weep, just throw my hands up and openly weep like an infant,” exclaimed Mang as he attempted to collect himself in the wake of an all-too familiar scenario.

“Every time. Every goddamned time. You would think, statistically speaking, that I might win occasionally. Considering the oceans of time and resources that go into realizing my machinations, you’d think that maybe, just maybe, I might once in a while gain the upper hand. But no. I’m a joke. You want to know why? One word. Minions. They had one task. One freaking task. I say, in my loudest, most authoritative voice, ‘Seize them’! ‘Get them!’ ‘After them!’ I’m just yelling myself hoarse. And at floor level, it’s just, it’s a scene straight out of a goddamned Three Stooges movie. Running into each other, shooting themselves in the foot, slipping on banana peels. Ugh. Fully pathetic. You just can’t get good help these days.”

This has been a bad year for Mang The Malevolent, having suffered three massive defeats at the hands of various reluctant heroes armed with nothing more than a quick wit and a never-say-die attitude. His attempt to hijack the New York Stock Exchange was foiled by The Impressives, a team of disgraced ex-CIA operatives and NSA hackers who could barely stand one another. In June his effort to cover the world in perpetual darkness by means of an ancient, unspeakable ritual was thwarted by a trio of magic-wand wielding tweens. And just three weeks ago he was caught trying to steal some televisions from the loading dock of a Walmart by a portly, wise-cracking mall cop.

“It’s not just financially disastrous,” lamented The Malevolent. “It’s unbelievably embarrassing.”

Mang isn’t the only one who has voiced a growing dissatisfaction in the quality of available henchmen. Dark Invader, a mysterious helmeted overlord with disturbing and remarkable telekinetic powers hasn’t caught a break in more than a decade, in spite of his preternatural abilities.

“The problem is with the union,” Invader breathed heavily, his voice made tinny and ominous by some medical apparatus within his helmet. “You can’t fire them, because the union has become an incredibly powerful entity. The lobbying is strong with them. Doesn’t matter which party you vote for, the Henchmen Local is in bed with them all. I don’t want to come across as anti-union, but you know, these organizations always get corrupted. Instead of a support frame for qualified professionals, it ends up being a haven for grossly incompetent nincompoops.”

Invader’s frustration is arguably understandable. Despite amassing an army of unprecedented numbers and equipping it with the most advanced technology ever devised, his dream project – a six kilometre orbital space station capable of destroying entire planets – was obliterated by a naive farm boy at the controls of an antiquated one-seat star fighter.

“They’re good at rank and file,” admitted Invader as he absently smashed some potted plants against a blast door with his mind. “but it’s a ruse. They give you the impression that they’re this well-oiled machine. As soon as the shit hits the fan, it’s like a monkey zoo all up in here. Cue the trombones, ’cause it’s slapstick hour on the Destruct Orb. Whacking their heads off blast doors, running directly into the line of fire, falling off gangways . . . who’s training these assholes? I want my money back.”

Invader and Mang, two of the more outspoken critics of the Henchmen Union, have even gone so far as to call for a summit between the union and a coalition of evil masterminds, but as of yet have not received a reply from the union.

“They know they have us over the coals,” lamented Mang as he produced a bag lunch from beneath his velvet cloak. “They don’t have to bargain. We can’t do dick without the damned cronies. Which means, we’ll never win. Not as long as there are heroes able to overcome seemingly insurmountable odds to counter our insidious evil. And when I say ‘heroes,’ I mean any jackass with a pocketknife and a snappy rejoinder. Ugh, that’s the worst part. They can’t resist throwing in some insouciant little dig just before foiling my plans. Like, ‘Consider this your pink slip!’ or ‘Looks like the apocalypse has been canceled’ or some dumb ass remark like that. So unbelievably insulting. These fiendish plans don’t concoct themselves, you know. Just because you thwarted it in an afternoon doesn’t mean that I didn’t put a hell of a lot of time and energy into devising it.”

When we suggested that Mang spend a little more time ensuring the odds are less ‘seemingly’ insurmountable and more ‘literally’ insurmountable, he deflated, looking woefully small in the seat of his terrifying throne of skulls.

“What’s the use? You’re forgetting about things like Murphy’s Law and deus ex machina. The day I realize my unstoppable master plan is the day I choke to death on a fucking peanut.”

Spokespersons from the Henchmen Union were unavailable for comment at press time.